Archive for the ‘Current affairs’ Category

Boris’s voice part 2   Leave a comment

I am not 100% sure but I’ve been on public transport for a week and not heard the awful voice of BoJo talking to the peasants. My colleagues report a similar absence. Has he stopped? Has some sensible person at London Transport, noting the seizure rate of passengers had increased in correlation to the broadcasts,   taken him out of the picture?

I am almost afraid to mention it in case I jinx myself. If it is really true and the tape is lying smashed on the floor of an office or the cab of a tube, my heartfelt gratitude to you. Live long and prosper!



Posted August 10, 2012 by mshambainlondon in Current affairs

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Olympics – the good side   1 comment

I know I’ve been a bit negative, so this week I’ve really tried to look for the good.

And I’m pleased to say I found it.

London is full of lovely tourists. Walking down Shaftesbury Avenue at night towards Piccadilly is a pleasure. Watching goofy people wandering around eyes up, jaws down, taking photos, gawping, eating bad food from expensive touristy restaurants, sitting on the steps of Eros, taking photos, getting the way of locals. But it is lovely. The absolute pleasure they are taking in my adopted city makes me look at it anew through their eyes. When you live here for a while, the novelty fades and you become blasé about it all. But when you see large numbers of tourists goofing at the massive lanterns in Chinatown, or at the lions in Trafalgar Square, or surrounding a street artist, it makes you stop and stare and say, “Wow! That really is beautiful! I do live in a beautiful city. Aren’t I lucky?”

And the Olympic Ambassadors are lovely, wandering around on the tubes and streets, on their way to be nice and smiley and helpful to everyone. Every time I see one I go “Awww!” Their uniforms are a mixture of purple and pink and are truly vile in both colour and design. I have yet to see an Ambassador that is flattered by their uniform. What I really love about them though, is that they come in all shapes, sizes and ages. No discrimination, people who are 18 and people who look 68. People who bounce when they walk and people on crutches.  What a lovely idea to recruit thousands of volunteers to help people.

And most wonderful of all, there was so much hysteria about people not being able to travel to work because of the Olympics, anyone who can, has left town, meaning that it has actually turned out quiet and easy to travel. In the mornings the tubes are not full. There is little congestion. I’m not late for work. I would almost say that London is strangely and unexpectedly quiet.

(Drawaing by David Gentleman)

So, three really positive things about the Olympics. I hear that some local guys, one with massive sideburns, won some medals or something also. The locals seem to be happy with this!

Boris Johnson’s voice   Leave a comment

Boris Johnson is the mayor of London.
Big lardy man with a bad hairdo.
Symbol of the bad side of London life.
During the Olympics a recording of his voice is being played on all public transport and in stations at random intervals.

Every time it is played, you can observe real Londoners jerking suddenly, and hear sharp intakes of breath as if they are suddenly experiencing an electric shock to their genitals. All through the tube or bus, people make eye contact and then roll the same eyes to the ceiling, grimace, rattle their newspapers and frown. I get goosebumps every time I hear him. It puts me in such a bad mood. I grind my teeth and lose all concentration. I arrive at work and I am mean to the poor and disenfranchised, directly as a result of this.

“What ho peasants! This is the big one! Jolly yourselves along now and be nice! Ho! Ho! Ho!” (I’m paraphrasing a little. Well… at least, that is what I hear when the recording is played.)

Dear London Transport, I and my colleagues, nice hardworking people have started a campaign. We hate this man’s voice but we cannot stop it being played. We need to travel to work. Our powerlessness has led us to desperate measures.

We have sworn in blood, to make a note of every time we hear BJ’s voice each day. This becomes our ‘tourist target’. It is our duty to locate this number of tourists in London each day, and make their lives miserable.

We’ve kicked one, given wrong directions to another and smirked at a poor little old couple while they stood and we sat in the in priority seats. We make faces at little children in crowded tube carriages to make them cry. We elbow tourists at the door of the tube and trip them up when they try to exit the bus. Then we come to work and share our achievements.

This goes against the grain for us. We are decent folk.
But we have sworn to continue to do this until the torturous sound of his grating voice is removed. It is the only mechanism we have to exact revenge.

London Transport, Boris Johnson is the man who will eventually make you all lose your jobs. He is not a friend of the worker. I urge you now, break the tape! Destroy the disk! Don’t let this monster’s voice ruin tourism for London!

Olympics   Leave a comment

It is finally here. I remember when London won the bid in 2005. What a different world! The economy was booming, we were affluent and on top of the world.
And now the Olympics is here and it is a different time. People are losing their jobs every day. The numbers seeking help from food banks is increasing. The government has changed and is driving through a rich man, fat cat agenda where there are no people only ‘workers between jobs’, ‘consumers’ and ‘customers’. The poor and the illegal immigrant are increasingly being targeted as the cause of all the problems in the country by both the government and the media. They are easy targets, poorly educated or unable to vote.
There are surface-to-air missiles on the top of blocks of flats where the poor live in order to shoot down enemies of the Olympics. The army has been called in to police the Olympics because a fat cat multi-national, G4S, was given a multi-million pound contract to provide security for the Olympics, but completely failed to do so.
London feels like a police state right now. There are large parts of the East End that are completely blocked off to ordinary people.
Apparently there is a government taskforce that has been set up to police the use of words like ‘Olympics’, ‘London’, ‘summer’, and ‘2012’. Any business that is not an Olympic’s sponsor (by this I mean more multi-national corporations like McDonald’s and Coke), cannot use these words.
Jeremy (C)Hunt, the minister responsible for the Olympics has been in the media this weekend telling everyone to stop whingeing and be grateful.
With respect, Jeremy, eff off.

(Rant over. I will look for something a bit more positive to say about the Olympics at a later stage.)

News roundup – 11/06/2012   Leave a comment

Here is a selection from the BBC Parliamentary report tonight: (a bit depressing overall)

Pasty tax, caravan tax and Granny tax – I’m not making it up.

Teresa May – really, really clever? really, really stupid? really, really scary?

Syria is like Bosnia says William Hague – no shit Sherlock. (But we are still not going to do anything about it he says)

Cable says Beecroft is shite – go Vince!

MOD plans to put surface-to-air missiles in East London back on the agenda – Greenwich and Tower Hamlets are the chosen people.  Da peeple is worried. Da feds is closin’ in. “There is no risk to the residents” says the Minister. “The army will engage with residents.” Uh-oh, run away now!

Dilnot proposals – I just like the word ‘Dilnot’ really.

And in the news:

“Nonsense!, There was no vast conspiracy with Mr Murdoch. I had no view at all on the £8m bid for BSkyB.” says moon-face Georgie Porgie O at Leveson. Now there is a face (and an outfit) you can trust.

News roundup 30/04/2012   Leave a comment

Extracts from Radio 4 news at midnight:

Wild reports of excessive airport queue times says Damien Green. It is the weather says Damien Green. We will send a ‘contingency force’ to the border, says Damien Green. Da, da, da! Border Force Contingency Force to the rescue. Oh Damien, you are so masterful!

Surface to air missiles on top of block of flats in Waltham Forest. It will be a ‘blue Olympics’ say the government, meaning the police will be in charge. Locals respond saying, ‘we don’t like da feds hanging round our gaff’.

David Cameron appeared to lose his temper at Labour questions about requests for an independent investigation into the BSkyB scandal. Jeremy Hunt, Jeremy Hunt, you silly old….runt.  You got Davy in trouble and burst his squeaky bubble.

April wettest for 100 year. 30 flood warnings issued by Environment Agency. The drought continues. (Bad voodoo man)